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NO FAKE NEWS AT ALL: Happy (NFL) New Year from the Houston Texans!!!

HOUSTON — The last bits of confetti still crowd the corners of the Houston Texans’ headquarters. This is along with the accidental champagne cork, broken glass or other debris from the celebrations that have engulfed the Houston Texans staff and leadership over the past week. Initially, some of our newer employees thought that maybe the organization celebrated St. Patrick’s Day a little earlier. Our more experienced hands at Totally Not Fake News quickly taught our ‘rookies’ this had nothing to do with an Irish resident saint. These were the remnants of the Texans celebrating one of the biggest holidays on their calendar: the start of the new NFL season.

“Usually the mood in these parts here is rather dour and melancholy.” An older hand elaborated. “It’s true, there were times when the team and fan base looked to this season with hope and anticipation. The new season, the chance to get new players, maybe improve and maybe get closer and closer to winning a Super Bowl.

“But the last couple of years… well, the organization and the team just kind of went like that. Where people used to meet, with all the festive party hats, streamers and those rolly things [Ed Note: Sometimes referred to as party blowers/noise-makers] You blow in, make annoying noises, but you’re probably too drunk on champagne and hoping you don’t care. [Easterby]even Toro would dress in golden furs for New Year’s Eve.”

Toro usually stays away from gold or gets on all fours…but after a few kegs and it’s NFL New Years…well, a cop has to let go sometimes…

“Well, at least the bull[Easterby] We’ve been through the last few seasons, you could hardly get anyone to even look at you in the hallway, let alone get a group of people together in the break room just to celebrate with some New Year’s Eve cake. And forget about anyone who wishes you “Happy New Year” or sings “Auld Lang Syne” or whatever.”

However, our sources at Texans HQ reported a very different take this past New Year’s…well, the NFL New Year’s:

“Man, that was a party like we haven’t seen in years!!! People cheering, dancing…Nick Caserio doing keg stands…Toro training Cal in champagne pong…Absolutely insane!!! Then Burke brought back this elite single malt he had brought back from his recent trip to the Orkneys to scout out some rugby talent… Whoo what a shindig!!!”

RONALDSAY Prince of Wales3

[Now King] Karl [III] Might have gotten this one, but Burke’s got the very special whiskey (Scotch for you American dudes)
Photo by PA Images via Getty Images

Yes, after a couple of bad years, Texans are looking forward to the NFL New Year with an optimism not seen in years, or certainly not since the beginning of this decade. A collective 11-38-1 record since the start of 2020 NFL year will do a lot to dampen sentiment. However, the team is armed with 11 draft picks (including two in the top 12 picks of the 2023 draft), nearly $40 million in cap space, and some young talent to build on.

“Oh yeah we’re no longer the sad sack Houston #OxenOnParade! No, the Texans are driving again!!” exclaimed Cal McNair, CEO of Texans. “It’s already a great start to the new year. We have DeMeco, we have Burke, or rather, Burke blessed us with his presence… and we’ve already seen some good free agency action.”

Likely, McNair was referring to the Texans signing some ex-San Francisco players, like [DT] Hassan Ridgeway and always [DB] Jimmie Ward to help create a new no-fly zone for Houston’s secondary school.

“Of course I’m referring to her. It’s all part of my New Year’s resolution to reclaim Texans’ status as the city’s top professional football organization.”

[Guess Cal is reading the advanced copy of our reporting]

Our reporter:

“Wait, aren’t you already…”

Cal McNair:

“Look, I know the score. Also, in my therapy sessions to overcome Minecraft addiction, I had to face the fact that I had problems but needed to treat them as challenges. Right now, the Texans have the worst win rate of the trio of the three pro football franchises in the city. One of my NFL New Year’s resolutions is to fix that…hopefully overtake second place this season and with any luck and maybe hoping the XFL will do what they normally do and fold, we can take our spot as top -Pro take back team in town.”

Not that we’re ever going to smear anyone’s resolutions at Totally Not Fake News, but it seemed odd that Texans only came third in the city. However, looking at the winning percentages of Houston’s pro soccer teams since 2020…well, he might be right:

  • Houston bullies [XFL] (2020, 2023-present): 9-1 (.900)
  • Houston player [USFL] (since 2022): 3-7 (.429)
  • Houston Texans [NFL] (since 2020): 11-38-1 (.286)

Washington Redskins vs. Houston Texans

We are #3!!! We are #3!!! We are #3!!!
Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

We at Totally Not Fake News also learned that Cal’s NFL New Year’s resolutions included:

“In short,” remarked one staffer, “don’t make a fool of yourself [Easterby]!!!”

It appeared Cal managed to avoid this since he didn’t sell draft capital to make a pick like Carolina did.

“Maybe he’ll stick with it,” the employee hoped.

At the time of publication, the Texans appear to be making no serious moves to trade valuable draft capital in a bid to move up.

“Oh thank you [Altuve]!!!” shouted the clerk. “Hopefully not a mother anymore[Easterby] transitioning from this front office for a while.”

As the NFL New Year wraps up and life moves into the new NFL calendar year, we at Totally Not Fake News will continue to update you on the movements of the Texans and see how well Cal McNair and others continue to stick to their New Year’s resolutions the NFL.

Ed Note: Given the recent trend in NFL New Year’s resolutions, we at Totally Not Fake News will be offering our own resolution. We decide to discontinue our previous system for handling questionable language. From now on this will be the last [Easterby] Let’s see a questionable work is replaced by [Easterby]. The Texans have moved away from him, and so will we.

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